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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in monikas_thought's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
4:46 pm
FUCKING FUCKED FUCKERS! .....FUUCCKK!!!!

 nobody touch me

 

im THISFUCKINGCLOSE to breaking

 

-7 in house pets to take care of for 5 1/2 weeks mostly on my own.
-given $200 to last me that long, it lasted a week.
-bumming money off sister and brother in law isnt cool.
-supposed to grad at the end of month. bio12 wont let me do that. ...also i was sick for 3 months and am waaay behind.
-lives 20 mins away from friends.
...no one comes to visit me, im the brokest of my friends but yet im the one driving into town!!! (totally feeling sorry for myself)
 
-taking in bottles for gas money now.
-someone is mixing up old memories and its hard to deal with sometimes.
-best friends dad told me i cant go to their house because i have piercings.
...and hes known me since i was born.
-dont know how much money i can borrow off my sister before my parents would get pissed off when they come back cause they gotta pay them back.
-someone i was seeing made out with someone else at a new years party we were dates at....
COOL

so can anyone understand why im on the edge of a mental breakdown here? FUCK
i need to go to tofino

so bad.

someone take me away.....i dont know what i did to deserve this shit but itd be sweet if i could just forget about it for awhile....



Current Mood: crazy,anxious,bitchy,NEGATIVE!
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
9:33 pm
beyond control

You're falling out of reach,
And in the end,
You can't trust anyone
Except yourself.
And you will find even your
Own heart will deceive you.

I've got so much to let go of...



Current Mood: disappointed
Friday, December 30th, 2005
9:59 pm
one more day...
i think im stuck
my heart feels compressed
i cant take a deep breath without sighing
reasoning feels out of reach
just give up.
i have an attitude that i dont fucking care,
but inside something is aching.
but i dont know what it is.
prolly just winter blues,
short days,
dark.
maybe it reminds me of myself.
i wish people could just accept me,
or give me a chance.
i wish no one would want to change me,
but love me unconditionally.

...i love you...but...

ah SHIT.

Current Mood: blank
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
2:02 am

Just another girl to fall in love with...acceptance is love & He also created hate. Be still - be moulded, hang on to what thou hast attained. One moment becomes priceless and she faints to think on these things as an intoxicating dream held back by indecision & jaded tears. Sink into the abyss with me, caress wounds with old razors - slap me with affection. Rise above this corruption & we fly to catered oblivion consumed in kelidascoped thoughts morphing to choke old scars of their memoirs. Justify this cancer by way of escapement...release this bitter spit which scorches a soul on impact leaving scars of resentment and hate. Reach inside to find your heart & your moment. She stacked the masterpieces beside her on the bed and hoped they wouldn't think she was trying to justify her choice but rather; help them see into the sickness which had infected her mind for days beyond capability. For her, this was the only broken avenue left to peace ripped from complete innocence. She's saying goodbye tonight. Black tears staining her sheets mixes with the blood from her aching soul. A masterpiece in dark design. She walks alone in a haze of confusion. Cant give up hope, frailty so real, finds herself prayin to a spirit she doesnt even know. "I just want beauty back in life"; screaming from her heart, only suspense holding her now - Or else she'd be watching from the stars again. "There couldnt be no reason". There's war behind her eyes. Surrealistic days wrapped in shadows of impending choice. Frozen in alligence against her bitter heart cry to the ghosts of retribution to look for the promising gem of happy oblivion captured in one, single tear. Lips hard and eyes blank, she cannot let anyone in those doors today, not yet. Not again.



Current Mood: calm
Monday, December 26th, 2005
12:31 am
lately ive been smiling for no reason

welcome to a place where
angels and demons lay side by side
making love under a universe of stars
and as naked skin reflects contemptment
eyes reveal a spirit unknown
spit on modern, wave to history,
accept this moment like there will be
no others like it; because there wont.
a flood will cave in the strongest locks
eventually takes over the world,
to cleanse our sins, our wars, and our security.
a sublime thought causes a tremor
a torrential storm becomes peace;
whether you choose to believe this or not.
take it or leave it, an advancing tide,
could wash away hope
and leave you empty & neglected.
we cant grasp wisdom, but we are
forced to enter into choice anyways.
who are we without our moments.
who are we without our choices.
who are we without our freedom.
who are we without our memories.
can we be free together?
make memories and suspend in moments?
complete choices and accept outcomes with grace.
who am i kidding?
are we all just blind?
i just let go.
so im free falling with my eyes closed.
stoked for the moment of impact.
see you on the other side of oblivion,
race you there!
unjustified spontaniousy, who gives a shit.
oblivion stretches through the veins
of earths core
in her dreams, she loves you
and so you hate her
catastrophic combustion of a metaphysical memory
set in place by the doctorines of
spiritual revelations
it will try to take you down
with its frail manipulations
forced through a pinwheel
cast out over comparison in an empty world
innocent simplicity lost, but not forgotten
yet; by her heart
they forgot it decades ago...catch stds now
everyone does
normality is immorally incapable of stability
mortal touch caress brainwashed machines
loving their own mental destruction like
orgasms from their first lover
by way of gorging on these bitter vines
ulcers spread like aids and cancer is a welcome
gift of escape
they all want a reason from you
to justify your death
this is where peace ends
and war stops
you sink into nothing.



Current Mood: bitchy
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